Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

For those of you who have had experience with
computers and their glitches, idiosyncrasies, and downright illogical workings, you'll appreciate the following:

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought
"CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Alzheimer´s eye test Count every "F" in the following text: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS... Only once you've counted then see below - Be Honest HOW MANY ? ...................... 3? WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke. READ IT AGAIN ! The brain cannot process "OF". Incredible or what? Go back and look again!! Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare. After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Maybe this is why medical costs are so high???!!!
 

A  woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed,
"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried."$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

drive.

This is how I would have enjoyed driving school!

-Download the videos on HOW TO PARK > 1 - 2 - 3

King Oswald had called all the young men of the Kingdom to the walls of his golden castle. Surrounding the castle was a wide moat of deep water filled with many large crocodiles.
It had worked as a great security measure and helped make invading armies think twice before felling its stone walls..
But this day he had a special announcement to make , he was getting old and only had one daughter so who ever married the princess would one day be her escort and aid in running the large kingdom.
The king nodded his head to his master of ceremonies to make the important announcement.
“ Young men of the kingdom, today our great majesty has decided that he wants to see the great Princess Caroline married to a commoner .
Not only does she have beauty and intelligence but is much loved by the people for her concern and services in many charities and welfare projects in the kingdom.
Who ever marries her will find a lady of grace and calm to match no other .
However the king is troubled by neighboring armies and insists on a husband for her who can display extraordinary bravery and sacrifice in securing her hand for a life of wealth and honored responsibilities.
Whoever should consider the fair princess a prize of their dreams may win her hand in marriage by being the first to swim across the crocodile infested moat to ask for her and the kings permission.
At first the crowd was joyous in its applause at the kind offer of such a treasure to mere commoners such as themselves .
And then as they looked around thinking their would be a deluge of young men diving into the water. They realized the crocodiles also seemed to sense the meaning of the occasion and came to the waters edge in a competitive anticipation of a sumptuous feast.
The men in the crowd looked left and right as some removed their shoes to be able to swim faster but as soon as each man stood on the high banks overlooking the moat, the menacing crocs would make them retreat with head bowed.
For many silent minutes the King and princess looked on disappointed at their men so lacking in courage.
When suddenly with a big splash a well built farmer by the name of Giles madly landed in the water. But no sooner had he entered the dark water, a 15 foot crocodile grabbed him by the leg and started giving him the death roll. But farmer Giles was a strong man after so many years of tending his plough .
He ripped the crocs jaws open and kicked it in the belly so hard it took off to avoid further punishment.
Farmer Giles frantically swept forward each stroke bringing him closer to the other bank . But alas two more crocs hungry for a snack grabbed him at the same time . For minutes the poor farmer seemed to not be able to fend them off and three times he disappeared under the the surface with all the crowd watching in baited breath as the green dank water became colorized with his blood.
But suddenly he rushed up for air and freedom having somehow dazed his opponents and in just a few more seconds ran up the banks to safety at the feet of the castle.
The crowd yelled in excitement and the king and princess immediately sent the porters to bring him on their shoulders to their presence.
The princess was blushing with excitement as Farmer Giles though strong and bold seemed to also bear the countenance of a handsome and cultured man.
In silence the king and princess composed themselves while the wild applause from the crowd below and the staff in the castle expressed their mirth at his bravery .
Finally as a pause in the jubilation occurred the king asked to whom he may be speaking and Farmer Giles humbly gave his name.
Then the King said while winking at his daughter “And young man is there a question you would like to ask me.?”
“ Yes your majesty there is” said Farmer Giles.
“ Did you see which idiot pushed me in ?”



Dad I’m eighteen and I need a car ?
I would be delighted to get you one , but could I ask a favor?
Sure thing Dad what is it?
Before I give you the car could you get your hair cut?
But Dad Jesus had long hair .
Yes that’s true , and he walked everywhere he went.