Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
2. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
3. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
4. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
5. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
6. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
7. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Church Humor

A Sunday school teacher asked the children, just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping.

A missionary preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some tiger hunting. As he rounded a corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a tiger collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was that the ferocious tiger was charging at him from a distance and he could not move, "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I am sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish... please make a Christian out of that tiger that is coming at me. Please Lord." That very instant, the tiger skidded to a stop, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preachers feet: "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Taken from the Wall Street Journal... 

 Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet". 

1.  Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the 
"Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.  Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.  A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
4. A Dell technician advised his  customer to put his troubled floppy  back in the drive and close the door. The  customer asked the tech
to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and  crossing the room to close the door to his room.
5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.   After 40 minutes of  trouble-shooting, the  technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of  paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his  tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys  and washing them individually.
7. A  Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid."   The  tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the  computer had said it "couldn't find
printer."  The user had also tried  turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the 
printer".
9. An exasperated caller to  Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on.   After ensuring the computer
was plugged in, the technician  asked her what happened when  she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."   The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her  brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in and sat there for minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
11.  Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support.  "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to 
put in the second  disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to  put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user
hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from 
its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
13. True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop

Caller  "Hello, is the Tech Support?"

Tech "Yes, it is.  How may I help you?"

Caller "The cup holder on my  PC is broken and I am with-in my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech  "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller  "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech  "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I  am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show?  How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller  "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it.   He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

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